Being the Support...
One topic that comes up often when discussing support for first responders and hospital staff is how a spouse, significant other or loved one can be supportive through tough calls, critical incidents or even losing a patient. This can go for supporting anyone going through a traumatic experience in life. I listened to Chris Hogan from Ramsey Solutions at a conference a few years back and he said something that really stuck with me. He stated that you need four types of people in your life; a “coach”, a “cheerleader”, a “mentor” and a “friend”. I feel like this is particularly true when someone has gone through a critical incident or is experiencing the symptoms of trauma and stress. Additionally, it is important to know this recommendation works with the type of support your spouse needs throughout different stages of life or your relationship as well.
When a loved one goes through a critical incident or is experiencing the symptoms of stress and trauma, it may be difficult to know how to best support that person. Do they want a coach that tells them what they can do to work through the emotions they are feeling? Do they want a cheerleader that is encouraging them and highlighting their resilience and what they did to benefit the situation? Do they need a mentor to lead the way and guide them through what to do during this difficult time or simply a friend that is present? One verse I like to keep in the back of my mind through all support I offer is from Luke 12:48, which says “To whom much is given, much will be required”. This reminds me that I have the honor to be there; in my case, for my husband following a difficult shift or tough call and I need to put in the work for him and as well as for myself to make that support meaningful and individualized. With these two quotes as my guide, I break my support into preventative, responsive and for self.
In all aspects of support and life, it is also important to be more responsive than reactive. Being responsive allows more thought to be placed on interactions or responses. It encourages planning, communication and intension placed into the words we use. It takes a bit of the emotion out of a situation and allows more mindful decisions to be the focus. A main factor of being more responsive is looking at some of the preventative behaviors we can engage in to build our mental strength prior to a crisis.
Preventative behaviors include PLANNING AHEAD, which is a responsive behavior. Discuss what you may want after a stressful situation with your support person; but also be prepared to be flexible as we truly do not know how either of you may react to the particular situation. Think about when you or your spouse is sick. Do they like to be checked on frequently or simply be left alone? Plan to engage in activities that will reduce the stress in your environment. For my husband, having the house cleaned up, not cluttered and quiet (or as quiet as possible with kids) is important. Engage in healthy eating habits, including time off of alcohol if that is something that is used for reducing stress at times. Additionally, be aware of the function of your coping strategies as being addicted to unhealthy coping strategies can ultimately exasperate the initial stressors. Identify healthy coping strategies that you will engage in. If you know that working out is something you enjoy and you feel it is helpful in reducing the symptoms of stress and trauma, make it accessible and a part of your daily routine.
As a spouse, know your partner’s love language (and tell them yours). Strengthen the foundation in your relationship so when the outside world may be difficult, your relationship is that safe and secure space. Encourage your spouse to spend time with friends or their crew is important so they can receive peer support and friendship, but also being mindful that the people he is spending time with are limiting negative talk. Last, gratitude practice is a beneficial tool. Not necessarily making lists but learning to appreciate and recognize all the good aspects in one’s life. Not only is this beneficial, this outlook becomes a habit and opens you up to seeing the good in others as well.
Following a critical incident I always feel that encouraging peer support is essential. Many departments offer peer support, there are also private organizations such as the Next Rung that provide support. Simply making it known that you are there for them, but also giving your loved one space is crucial. They may feel a bit unregulated following a stressful incident and may need some space before they are able to talk. You can sit next to them while they play a video game or go on a walk outdoors. If the conversation comes up, simply listen. You do not have to respond with an answer and remember to remind them that it is okay to not be okay right now. Do not pry or ask for details that they do not offer or communicate on their own. Remind them of the good they do, what went well and to recognize their resilience.
Lastly, we have all heard of the airplane oxygen mask analogy. We too, as support systems or in the role of a spouse/significant other go through a portion of the stress and trauma that our spouses go through. The unknown of what our spouse goes thru can be difficult and may feel overwhelming. We may not know how we will react ourselves to our spouse’s stories. We could have felt stress in their absence in dealing with our own jobs, the kids, home schooling, etc. We may think because they are the ones who saw or lived the trauma WE must be the strength, but we too may need help. Having our own peer support in the form of other fire wives or fire spouse support groups is important. We have to care for ourselves and take a look at how our own reactions are or identify new symptoms that may come up. Remember to recognize what works for you and what coping skills you are most likely to use. There is not a right or wrong way to recover from a critical incident or stress and trauma, but you do need to put in the work. Half of the battle is discovering what the most beneficial coping strategies are for you and your spouse and to work engaging in them daily.
